


What Is Love, Anyway?

by fishoutofcamelot



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Character, Confusion, Implied Relationships, M/M, Pining, in which emotions are confusing af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22223917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishoutofcamelot/pseuds/fishoutofcamelot
Summary: Gwaine's entire world was shaken with naught but a question."Do you have a crush on Percy or something?"
Relationships: Gwaine & Percival (Merlin), Gwaine/Percival (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 78





	What Is Love, Anyway?

Gwaine's entire world was shaken with naught but a question.

"Do you have a crush on Percy or something?"

Such an innocuous question to ask, and by such an innocuous person too. It was Merlin who pulled him aside at the end of chemistry and gave him the Talk. How he would accept him no matter what, how he didn't have to answer if it was too personal, how -

"I don't know, maybe," said Gwaine. He shrugged. "I mean if I am, then there are definitely worse people to have a crush on."

"Okay," said Merlin, clearly not expecting that response. "I just want you to know I support you no matter your answer, alright?"

Gwaine scanned the passing crowd to make sure Percy wasn't within hearing range. Merlin hadn't exactly pulled him into the most private of spots (they were standing right next to one of the exit doors just as school was letting out).

"I don't even know, myself," Gwaine said casually. "But you'll be the first to know if I ever find out."

What made Merlin think he had a thing for Percy? Was it the same thing that made Leon ask if he was 'still gay'? Was there some level of his own being that his friends all seemed preternaturally privy, but to which he himself was blind? Or was everyone just misconstruing his and Percy's friendship into being more than it actually was?

Gwaine should have asked for advice. Should have asked how you could tell if you had a crush on someone. How to tell if you loved them. But he didn't, and every day that passed thereafter was spent in regret.

That question continued to gestate and swell in his brain for months after the fact.

Do you have a crush on Percy?

_"Mom, I think I'm asexual. It means I'm not sexually attracted to anyone."_

Do you have a crush on Percy?

_"Hey Percy, I'm Gwaine. Y'know, from that history project we did together? Well, I was thinking you were kind of a cool guy and figured we could hang out sometime."_

Do you have a crush on Percy?

_"I don't think you should worry too much about labels, Gwaine. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually gay, or if I just think men are cool. But it doesn't really matter, does it? So don't worry about it so much."_

Do you have a crush on Percy?

Gwaine wanted answers. So he did the most anti-Gwaine thing conceivable: he did research.

Yes, late at night he pulled out his phone and scrolled through article after article about how to tell whether you're in love. And absolutely none of them were helpful. They all talked about it from a sexual perspective - finding them hot, wanting to have sex with them or make out with them, that sort of thing - and frankly Gwaine wasn't remotely interested in that. For all that he liked to flirt shamelessly and pass around raucous innuendo like hors d'oeuvres at one of Arthur's dad's high-brow dinner parties, he was also remarkably ace.

So no, Gwaine never really thought of Percy as being attractive, nor did he have dreams of the two of them doing the horizontal mambo together. Which rendered every last article entirely useless.

Do you have a crush on Percy?

Four months later, that question was beginning to drive him mad. He tried not to think about it, more than halfway scared of what answer he would find. He occasionally found himself cursing out Merlin for even bringing the matter to his attention.

Did he like Percy in that way? He always looked forward to their time together. He got unbearably sad whenever Percy wasn't there, like someone had dragged away the sunshine and was holding it hostage but refusing to post a ransom. He craved to spend more time with Percy outside of school, but was afraid of pushing introverted, shy Percy outside of his comfort zone. But his mom said that was just friendship stuff.

Well, he sometimes found himself daydreaming about holding Percy's hand as they walked to class together, or leaning his head on Percy's shoulder, or running up to hug him tightly after weeks of separation. That couldn't just be 'friendship stuff', right?

But Gwaine already knew he was starved for physical affection. That wasn't new. Was his desire to touch and hold Percy a symptom of that starvation, or a symptom of something more?

Do you have a crush on Percy?

Sometimes if Gwaine looked at him too long, his mind would start shouting impulses at him to kiss Percy. But his mind shouted all sorts of weird thoughts at him all the time. Sometimes it told him to pull his teacher's pants down, sometimes it told him to throw his phone into the toilet, sometimes it told him to dip his ice cream in mayonnaise (now that last one was something he actually did try, much to Percy's disgust). Was the kiss-impulse (the kimpulse if you will) just that - an impulse? He didn't know.

All he _did_ know were these facts:

  1. Years ago, he was a wreck. He was anxious, shy, suicidal, and desperate for attention in whatever way he could get it. So he acted out. Became a problem child. Threw tantrums and bit his sister because he wanted someone to notice him.
  2. Then he met Percy. And Percy was quiet and reserved and _cool,_ and Gwaine was so afraid of rejection that he spent a week gathering the courage to offer his friendship.
  3. Over time, he came to enjoy the sound and sight of Percy's happiness. Before school Gwaine would recite jokes to tell him, and after school he would recount the success of those jokes in detail to his mother. His whole day would feel like dancing on stars if he could get a good, long laugh out of Percy. And it wasn't easy, in the beginning. Percy was shy and mostly kept to himself, which made it impossible for Gwaine to interpret his emotions at any given moment. Half the time, he feared he was just being a nuisance.
  4. Eventually, people started overhearing his jokes. And Gwaine found himself gathering more courage to tell more jokes to his newly widened audience, and then that brought in more people. Next thing he knew, he was bantering with teachers and heckling lessons with pointed one-liners that he _knew_ everyone would enjoy. He started getting jokingly flirty and raunchy, because sex jokes were especially popular among high schoolers, and all this attention felt so unbelievably good. But he couldn't help but fear he was neglecting Percy for his newer friends, and took great lengths to include Percy in every way he could.
  5. Gwaine wanted to know Percy, to understand him, to be his shoulder to cry on and to be the one Percy opened up his heart to. But getting Percy to divulge anything more than the bare minimum about his personal life was like prying the lid off of a soup can without a can opener, and the rare heart-to-hearts they shared were terrible. Not just because of how awful Percy's past was, but also because of Gwaine's newfound inability to comfort people or handle anything that wasn't happiness.
  6. Because of how emotionally reserved Percy was, navigating their friendship was a bit like playing Minesweeper while closing your eyes. Did Percy find him annoying, but was too shy to tell him off? Did Percy like spending time together, or was Gwaine just a burden? How long would it take for Percy to realize Gwaine was garbage and toss him aside?
  7. Gwaine cared about Percy more than any friend he had before. He wanted to continue their friendship past graduation. He wanted apartment-sharing and pet-buying and hand-holding and movie-watching and all that dumb crap. But did Percy care as much about their friendship as he did? Was Gwaine coming off too strong? Was he too clingy?
  8. If their relationship fell apart, it would be Gwaine's fault. Between the two of them, he was the dumb one who always made mistakes and got on Percy's nerves. But not once had Percy done such a thing, and Gwaine sincerely doubted he ever could. Inevitably, Gwaine would do something stupid and Percy would decide to drop him once and for all. It was only a matter of when.



It had been about five months since Merlin asked that wretched question and topsy-turvied everything into utter chaos.

Five months of trying to silent-treatment his thoughts. Of staying up late into the night asking if God had made him like this on purpose or if he was just messed up. Of begging whatever cosmic force would listen to take these feelings away from him just so he could have a moment of peace.

Five months later, and he was no closer to answering Merlin's stupid question than before.

Then winter break rolled up to cue. And Gwaine was struck with a paralytic fear that he might not see Percy for two whole weeks. So he took his chance.

"Hey Perce, this is gonna sound weird," Gwaine started. His heart hammered in his chest. He'd been craving this exact moment for years now. And since they were graduating in six months, it may be one of his only chances. "But we're gonna be apart for two whole weeks. I'm going to miss you, ya big nerd."

"That's not weird at all," said Percy. They were both standing right near the doorway, surrounded by a crowd of other students all waiting for the bell to ring. Only three minutes left until school let out, until winter break. "I'll miss you too, Gwaine."

Ugh, why was Percy making it harder than it had to be? "No, that's not the weird part. I was wondering if we could maybe hug? Two weeks is a long time to be away, y'know."

To Gwaine's surprise - because he always slated Percy as the kind of guy who preferred his personal space - Percy nodded. "Sure."

And so they hugged. Wearing their backpacks and heavy coats, encompassed by a rush of eager teens from all sides, the bell ringing loudly in their ears, they hugged.

Gwaine wished it could last longer than it did. He wished he wasn't wearing so much leather. Wished he could throw off his coat and backpack and really _feel_ Percy's embrace.

He cut their hug short, not wanting to make Percy late for his bus and certainly not wanting the interaction to get awkward. Gwaine had been waiting four years for this moment, and he couldn't let anything ruin it.

"Well," said Gwaine, as they bade each other farewell until the new year. "See ya next year, nerd."

"Seeya!" Percy called back, smiling. And then he was gone.

Gwaine stepped into his car in a flurry of emotions. For hours he couldn't get that moment out of his head, couldn't stop imagining what it would be like if he had only let the hug linger just a bit longer.

He hated himself for it. He felt gross and disgusting and horrible for feeling like this about his best friend. How would Percy feel to know that Gwaine had these desires about hugging and holding him? Would he feel violated? Would it kill their friendship?

Gwaine didn't know. Gwaine didn't want to know, for fear of ruining one of the most important parts of his life.

There was one good thing to come from the hug-that-almost-wasn't, though: a realization. Gwaine realized then that it didn't matter if his feelings for Percy were romantic or platonic, or someplace inbetween. He didn't care what it was called, he only cared that it was theirs.

He knew that he wanted Percy in his life from here on out, in whatever capacity Percy would accept him. He knew that a future without Percy would be desolate and empty.

He knew that it was impossible to be sad whenever he sat next to Percy. He knew that any lecture or presentation was made a thousand times better with Percy whispering ridiculous commentary in his ear. He knew that few things were more treasurable than that twinkle in Percy's eyes whenever he gushed about the things he loved, or seeing that Percy had texted him. He knew that Percy was the one whose mere presence inspired him to be a better, truer, happier version of himself, and that he'd still be a moody brat without Percy in his life.

However you choose to define it, Gwaine cared about Percy more than he cared for himself. Call it friendship or call it love, but Gwaine called it happiness and that was all that mattered.

Do you have a crush on Percy?

Gwaine didn't know. And for once, he was alright with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 1AM on my phone because apparently that's the only way I can write anything anymore.  
> (If you guessed that I was projecting my own inner conflicts and feelings onto Gwaine then unfortunately you are correct)


End file.
